Ride Midrine Ride!

I bought our daughter her first bicycle yesterday. Dora the Explorer, baby! It was amazing to have a "first" with her as I taught her how to ride. She was a little upset that I raised her training wheels so that she couldn't jet off and leave me in the dust! We had a great morning in the 100 degree heat as I walked with her up & down the street and around the block over and over. I felt so lucky to be alive and present in that moment.

First Night Together

Last night I spent my first night with our daughter in almost a year. It was also our first night together since she has been home. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't turn the light in her room off until she spent a night with me. Here are some of my memories from last night:

Noodles with butter
No Balentino! (aka Valentino) No Molassses!
Balentino la!
Eat more!
You eat mama!
Midrine’s water & Mama Blanc water
Uh oh
MA??? Yes, baby? (repeat at least 100x)
I love you THIS much!
Too small?
Too big??
Hot?
More noodles!!
The Midrine Dance
Goldfish
More goldfish!
I love these blocks
Wocky (aka Rocky) tired?
Television
THAT laugh!
Leave the light on
Ou bath with Midrine, Ma
Mama Blanc Renmen Ou…..uh…uh….uh
If you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet
Sa dangereh!
Tan pou domi? Tan pou domi, Ma.
I kiss Balentino!!!! Yeah!!
I can do it.
Fini? Na fini.
Uncle Bobby home?
Be quiet Rose!
Chita Mama Blanc
Midrine’s savon
Ale dogs!
EAT!!
Kitchen
Ooooooooh
Brush, Ma!
Falling asleep next to the most beautiful child in the world & wanting to touch her eyelashes
Turning the bedroom light off…..for the first time.

Diane

My birthmother died today. 2002. 7 years back. At the time I wasn't in a relationship and didn't really have anyone to lean on. It seems to be a pattern in my life. When a really BIG loss comes around I have no one to lean on but me and my shadow. My grandmother died 2 days prior but some years earlier. I drive to her grave and leave flowers every year. I really wanted to hear Midrine's little deep funny voice that night. Somehow it would have made the day better. I didn't spend that much time with Diane. I had the equivalent of an adoption PI look for her. She started the search around the holidays. I really never thought I would hear anything until after the new year. But alas just before Xmas I got the call. I can still tell you about the wall I slid down when I found out that my birthmother had been found. Long time ago. So we fast forward a few years to this day in 2002 and my birthmother aka Diane dies. She wasn't a good person by any stretch. I had an emergency root canal today and I cursed her name for being a fucking junkie and ruining my teeth for my entire life. The first time I met her she was drunk off her ass and as hard headed as you could imagine. She ended up swaggering back to my half-sister's (who I also just met that night) truck and passing out in the bed of it before our dinner even made it to the table. Impressive. I came to find out that she had murdered a former boyfriend and that her drug and criminal history was long and storied. However that night my half-sister Laura and I began to form a bond. How ironic that she had the same name as my Grandmother---my absolute favorite person ever to be on this earth. I always knew she was there, this sister of mine. It was something that my DNA just screamed at me my entire life. We were never the kind of people who would have just hooked up by chance....and yet we loved each other from moment one. I loved her laugh so much. It was big and loud and unapologetic. It was what I wished mine was. Laura would die just under a year before Diane did. To this date my biological father has no idea I exist. This brings me to tonight----a night where I have gone 3 nights without being able to say goodnight to my daughter. It makes me wonder how she will look at her birthmother and her birthfather and those who make up her circle of life. It is a night where I wonder how we ALL will fit into her world. What will I be called some years on? What will she dream of? Who will her friends be? What songs will she hum when no one else is listening? Who will she talk to on days like today? Admitedly death anniversaries hit me hard. This one has so little closure for me. I continue to work through that as part of my process of reforming. But truthfully on this night I miss Diane in some strange way----this person who I barely knew and really never liked that much......this person who bore me but could not raise me......this person who gave me a half-sister who I so readily bonded with. Will Midrine think of her birthmother this way? I feel like having been adopted hopefully I can relate to her on some different level than most. But tonight I just think of the losses we all suffer in our collective lives.....and how we are made different and yet oddly the same by them. Tonight I think of Diane and of Midrine's birthmother and send them love and respect for their decisions. Tonight I feel both of their wonderings and their aches......and I bless them both on their paths.

Remembers

I read this entire blog today and I am so so so sad. And tonight is tough. Find a space inside there........cause I feel like I owe it to someone. No angel came.

Swing

May 18

I looked up at the calendar this morning as I was listening to the pounding and pulling sound of the roofer as he patched the hole in my roof.  I realized that Julie left me 3 months ago today.  I started thinking about the things I had done since then.  The good things, the bad things, the nothings…  She found out Midrine could come home and left that day as I was on my way to see a new shrink who specialized in adoption issues.  I realized that I needed to put my own adoption issues to bed before Midrine came home. I have HUGE abandonment issues----my fear of being left is sometimes overwhelming.  My fear of not being enough is always overwhelming. Ironic the timing, yes?  I found out Midrine could come home when I called our orphanage director the next day to see if there were any updates on our case.  I have always said that we are all where we are supposed to be and I cling to that thought.  Sometimes clinging to it seems to cut my hands.  In the past 3 months I have cried (a lot), written (not enough), slept (with a little help), worked (as much as possible), wondered (more than I should), missed my “old” life (constantly), missed my daughter (with aches in places I didn’t know I had), talked to lawyers (who charge some hella fees), seen a shrink (at least once a week), taken anti-depressants (every damn day all the while wondering why they haven’t yet invented a pill just to make you forget), became fully aware of how the law discriminates against gay couples (every moment of every day), & worked on letting go (whenever my heart would let me.)  It has been a hard 3 months for everyone involved. I found out that I wouldn’t be eligible to do a second parent adoption for Midrine unless I lived with her for 6 months.  I spent the night I found out in bed crying.  I found a lawyer who believes he can work around that law but in the end Julie has to sign off on it. I don’t know that she will or she won’t but I am taking out a loan against my house to have the money to pay him if she ever thinks of that as a possibility.  I know a lot of you have followed this blog and our story for a long time…..many of you since the beginning and I am sure this comes as somewhat of a surprise.  My shrink says I need to work on honesty so here goes.  I am not proud of everything I did in my relationship.  There were moments of deceit and disrespect.  There were never moments of unfaithfulness.  In six and a half years there were also moments of great, great joy and love.  I never loved anyone the way I loved Julie.  I certainly will never love anyone the way I love our daughter.  Some losses leave holes.  Others feel as though they steal your soul and leave you in disbelief---wondering where it all went.  But today is a good day to start opening my hands and to start letting go.  Anger and hurt are spears in my heart and I have to pull them out in order to heal myself so I can take care of me.  So I can be what I need to be for the single most beautiful little girl in the world. Don’t bother disagreeing with me. ;)  90 days separated from the worst day of my life I want to begin owning everything before and to come.  I want to be the absolute best I can be for the little girl who I started writing this for in the first place. I’ve spent a lot of time with the song you are hearing now over the past week. It’s called Maybe California and it has become really special to me. Probably because there have been many times in the last 3 months that I have felt like jumping.  Yet an angel has always stepped in and put their hand on my shoulder.  And there are times when I have felt like nothing was making sense anymore.  It’s a song about mothers…..mothers who find themselves in places they never thought they would be.  Tori always seems to know what to say.   And I have heard you too, Grannymomma.




So let’s be strong

You and me

The night is opening

Our angels are falling

And they will warm us

Some days are better than others

.....but tonight I miss her so much it aches.  I guess it is the realization that it has been almost a year since I have seen her fall asleep or wake up.  If Julie & I had been in a "straight" relationship these things would not be an issue.  Hard to fathom for those of you who are in one.  Your rights are already afforded you.  Yet tonight I journal again wondering what my little one wears as she drifts off to sleep and I know not where she lives.  Your great grandmother watches over you and she has always been better at it than I.  She told me that 3 times we would walk through fire.  My feet are burning.  I love you Midrine......a bushel and a peck......a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.  Sun sun sun here it comes.

Mama Blanc