Jumping

Whew. Tonight is so tough. I don't really know why. There's no date on the calendar that means anything. There's no anything that is anything. But tonight I called our daughter to try to talk to her. First time in almost a week. I guess she wasn't feeling like talking and that's ok. It is what it is. Julie & Midrine just returned from a trip to the African/Caribbean Heritage Camp in Colorado. It was to have been our first "family vacation." Obviously it didn't happen that way. I had the best intentions of going but a couple of events made me change my mind. I hope for next year. But that's why the name of this blog has never changed and never will. We walked this walk together and Midrine is OUR daughter despite what the legalities and what society might say.....at least in my mind.

The last several months have been laden with so very many things for me. Loss, growth, change, friends, love, abandonment, wonderment, wondering, uncertainty, tears, laughter, change.....change. I want to be as honest as I can for my little one on this blog so I think it is important that she knows one of the reasons I have been so tired lately when I was with her. I was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after Julie left me. She actually went to the first doctor's appointment that would lead me to this with me. She left me less than a week later so she doesn't really know this as she never asked the outcome of the tests. Should she actually read this it would be her first knowledge of what went down. Two of my close friends know. I apologize to the rest of you if you have felt excluded but I truly a) didn't want to burden you and b) felt like if I was left by the person I loved the most there must be some sort of lesson in me experiencing this and growing from it on my own. Many on the couch shrink conversations ensued. Some days I felt powerless. Some days I felt manically powerful......and those are the ones that scared me the most.....because I knew in my heart that it was the universe that would make the ultimate decision. Not me, not ANY doctor or any completely loving friend......something bigger. I had one of my best of the best there with me for the first initial biopsy.....changing my bandages and making me laugh throughout my drug induced hallucinogenic rants about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (which in my mind remain delicious!!) I could not have walked this walk without her. The rest of you have been there without knowing it and I apologize if you feel betrayed by me not having told you yet I thank you with all of my heart. Again, it was something I felt I needed to do. After 12 weeks of radiation (some where I felt SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED and some where I experienced short term memory loss while they SWEAR that is not a known side effect) I am walking away from this with my head held high and with a clean bill of health as of last week. I am still a little sore and have a weird icky ouch on my upper stomach and a rib with a stress fracture but it didn't stop me from leaping from a perfectly good plane last weekend! I did this to defy death, to defy life, and to remind me that I alone drive this car motherfucker! So Midrine.....when someone tells you that your Mama Blanc isn't this or isn't that (and they will.....the same way they tell me) tell them "Yes....but she jumped out of a plane in perfect health.....and she yelled my name as she beat gravity if only for a few moments." I love you more than life, baby girl. And I will be here for a long, long time....yes and I feel fine.

Mmmmm

I can still see her face as she covered it with pizza last night. I can still hear her AWESOME laugh which makes me smile as I type this. The Divine Miss M is one of the most amazing humans I have ever met and her Mama Blanc loves her THIIIIISSSSS much!

Ride Midrine Ride!

I bought our daughter her first bicycle yesterday. Dora the Explorer, baby! It was amazing to have a "first" with her as I taught her how to ride. She was a little upset that I raised her training wheels so that she couldn't jet off and leave me in the dust! We had a great morning in the 100 degree heat as I walked with her up & down the street and around the block over and over. I felt so lucky to be alive and present in that moment.

First Night Together

Last night I spent my first night with our daughter in almost a year. It was also our first night together since she has been home. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't turn the light in her room off until she spent a night with me. Here are some of my memories from last night:

Noodles with butter
No Balentino! (aka Valentino) No Molassses!
Balentino la!
Eat more!
You eat mama!
Midrine’s water & Mama Blanc water
Uh oh
MA??? Yes, baby? (repeat at least 100x)
I love you THIS much!
Too small?
Too big??
Hot?
More noodles!!
The Midrine Dance
Goldfish
More goldfish!
I love these blocks
Wocky (aka Rocky) tired?
Television
THAT laugh!
Leave the light on
Ou bath with Midrine, Ma
Mama Blanc Renmen Ou…..uh…uh….uh
If you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet
Sa dangereh!
Tan pou domi? Tan pou domi, Ma.
I kiss Balentino!!!! Yeah!!
I can do it.
Fini? Na fini.
Uncle Bobby home?
Be quiet Rose!
Chita Mama Blanc
Midrine’s savon
Ale dogs!
EAT!!
Kitchen
Ooooooooh
Brush, Ma!
Falling asleep next to the most beautiful child in the world & wanting to touch her eyelashes
Turning the bedroom light off…..for the first time.

Diane

My birthmother died today. 2002. 7 years back. At the time I wasn't in a relationship and didn't really have anyone to lean on. It seems to be a pattern in my life. When a really BIG loss comes around I have no one to lean on but me and my shadow. My grandmother died 2 days prior but some years earlier. I drive to her grave and leave flowers every year. I really wanted to hear Midrine's little deep funny voice that night. Somehow it would have made the day better. I didn't spend that much time with Diane. I had the equivalent of an adoption PI look for her. She started the search around the holidays. I really never thought I would hear anything until after the new year. But alas just before Xmas I got the call. I can still tell you about the wall I slid down when I found out that my birthmother had been found. Long time ago. So we fast forward a few years to this day in 2002 and my birthmother aka Diane dies. She wasn't a good person by any stretch. I had an emergency root canal today and I cursed her name for being a fucking junkie and ruining my teeth for my entire life. The first time I met her she was drunk off her ass and as hard headed as you could imagine. She ended up swaggering back to my half-sister's (who I also just met that night) truck and passing out in the bed of it before our dinner even made it to the table. Impressive. I came to find out that she had murdered a former boyfriend and that her drug and criminal history was long and storied. However that night my half-sister Laura and I began to form a bond. How ironic that she had the same name as my Grandmother---my absolute favorite person ever to be on this earth. I always knew she was there, this sister of mine. It was something that my DNA just screamed at me my entire life. We were never the kind of people who would have just hooked up by chance....and yet we loved each other from moment one. I loved her laugh so much. It was big and loud and unapologetic. It was what I wished mine was. Laura would die just under a year before Diane did. To this date my biological father has no idea I exist. This brings me to tonight----a night where I have gone 3 nights without being able to say goodnight to my daughter. It makes me wonder how she will look at her birthmother and her birthfather and those who make up her circle of life. It is a night where I wonder how we ALL will fit into her world. What will I be called some years on? What will she dream of? Who will her friends be? What songs will she hum when no one else is listening? Who will she talk to on days like today? Admitedly death anniversaries hit me hard. This one has so little closure for me. I continue to work through that as part of my process of reforming. But truthfully on this night I miss Diane in some strange way----this person who I barely knew and really never liked that much......this person who bore me but could not raise me......this person who gave me a half-sister who I so readily bonded with. Will Midrine think of her birthmother this way? I feel like having been adopted hopefully I can relate to her on some different level than most. But tonight I just think of the losses we all suffer in our collective lives.....and how we are made different and yet oddly the same by them. Tonight I think of Diane and of Midrine's birthmother and send them love and respect for their decisions. Tonight I feel both of their wonderings and their aches......and I bless them both on their paths.

Remembers

I read this entire blog today and I am so so so sad. And tonight is tough. Find a space inside there........cause I feel like I owe it to someone. No angel came.

Swing